Talking with family memebers
Jul. 29th, 2009 03:36 pmA huge problem!
So I am out in San Francisco visiting my sister. She is also a Korean adoptee like myself. I had the great pleasure of meeting a fellow blogger![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
yeloson. I met him last night and I must say it was such a relief to be able to talk to another strong POC, who gets it.
So naturally when I spoke with my sister this morning she asked me how the meeting was and what did we talk about. So I decided to tell her. I told her that it was really nice to talk to someone who really identifies themselves as a POC, and how satisfying it was. She then brings up a comment our mother said to her “{my name} doesn’t have a lot of white friends anymore.” She began to question this decision of mine. In addition to questioning my stance on white people she then proceeds to tell me that “that is racist!”
To give a back story about my mother, about 1 and a half ago I decided to talk to my mother about my adoption and how angry I was at the system in which she is a part of which contributed to my internalized racism. I was very clear in stating that I was not angry directly at her, but that she contributed to the problem by not embracing my difference. Instead she was told by the adoption “experts” that it was best to assimilate their child as quickly as possible so that the child doesn’t feel different. It’s quite oblivious this logic is flawed. Anyway, so we have talked about white privilege, and I will say in the beginning that it was difficult, however as of right now it was worth it. Because we have become closer and our relationship is growing into something I would call a health and honest relationship.
Back to my sister, I began to try to explain why I am angry at the system which our mother is a part of. She then instantly fired back that we should appreciate our mother and all of the things she has done for us. In addition, state that she has a better relationship with our mother than I do and that it’s interesting how we (brother and sister) raised in the same family, same school have a different view of white people. In my head (clearly I am the dysfunctional one because I’m angry who just needs to get over it and she is the “better” child) I would then begin to try to explain that I have gone through a daunting process of unpacking my internalized racism and self hate, and that our mother was a contributor to this internalized hate/racism, not the sole cause. Once again she said that she has never felt this way before and that she has always been proud of being Asian, and this is what she said “I’m proud to be Asian I’m glad that I won’t age like a white women, I’m glad I’m small”. Feeling the tone of her voce pierced me so far that I didn’t know how to respond.
It became very clear to me that not having white friends or calling white people out on their ignorance was a problem for my sister. I think calling specifically white people out on the racist things they say is a very dangerous action. However, my ignorance also taught me that talking to other POC about these issues is just as equally dangers if not more. Something I should have realized with my own journey. Well, as I continue to spend more time with my sister I hope it will be satisfying for her. I have not completely written my sister off but she clearly has some unpacking to do, I guess I will just wait until she is ready.
Has anyone else run into a similar situation?
Suggestions?
This is partly for International Blog Against Racism Week.
So I am out in San Francisco visiting my sister. She is also a Korean adoptee like myself. I had the great pleasure of meeting a fellow blogger
yeloson. I met him last night and I must say it was such a relief to be able to talk to another strong POC, who gets it. So naturally when I spoke with my sister this morning she asked me how the meeting was and what did we talk about. So I decided to tell her. I told her that it was really nice to talk to someone who really identifies themselves as a POC, and how satisfying it was. She then brings up a comment our mother said to her “{my name} doesn’t have a lot of white friends anymore.” She began to question this decision of mine. In addition to questioning my stance on white people she then proceeds to tell me that “that is racist!”
To give a back story about my mother, about 1 and a half ago I decided to talk to my mother about my adoption and how angry I was at the system in which she is a part of which contributed to my internalized racism. I was very clear in stating that I was not angry directly at her, but that she contributed to the problem by not embracing my difference. Instead she was told by the adoption “experts” that it was best to assimilate their child as quickly as possible so that the child doesn’t feel different. It’s quite oblivious this logic is flawed. Anyway, so we have talked about white privilege, and I will say in the beginning that it was difficult, however as of right now it was worth it. Because we have become closer and our relationship is growing into something I would call a health and honest relationship.
Back to my sister, I began to try to explain why I am angry at the system which our mother is a part of. She then instantly fired back that we should appreciate our mother and all of the things she has done for us. In addition, state that she has a better relationship with our mother than I do and that it’s interesting how we (brother and sister) raised in the same family, same school have a different view of white people. In my head (clearly I am the dysfunctional one because I’m angry who just needs to get over it and she is the “better” child) I would then begin to try to explain that I have gone through a daunting process of unpacking my internalized racism and self hate, and that our mother was a contributor to this internalized hate/racism, not the sole cause. Once again she said that she has never felt this way before and that she has always been proud of being Asian, and this is what she said “I’m proud to be Asian I’m glad that I won’t age like a white women, I’m glad I’m small”. Feeling the tone of her voce pierced me so far that I didn’t know how to respond.
It became very clear to me that not having white friends or calling white people out on their ignorance was a problem for my sister. I think calling specifically white people out on the racist things they say is a very dangerous action. However, my ignorance also taught me that talking to other POC about these issues is just as equally dangers if not more. Something I should have realized with my own journey. Well, as I continue to spend more time with my sister I hope it will be satisfying for her. I have not completely written my sister off but she clearly has some unpacking to do, I guess I will just wait until she is ready.
Has anyone else run into a similar situation?
Suggestions?
This is partly for International Blog Against Racism Week.
